50 States

I've lived in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Alaska, Nevada, Ohio, and Arizona. (6 States)

I've traveled to (and spent at least one night): Alabama, California, Florida, Illinois, North Carolina, Oregon, North Dakota, Colorado, Indiana, Michigan, Montana, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, West Virginia, Wyoming, Iowa, Nebraska, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Kansas, New York, Utah (23 States)

I've physically been in: Idaho, Kentucky, South Dakota, Oklahoma, Georgia, Missouri, New Jersey (7 states)

That leaves: Hawaii, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Delaware, Maryland, Connecticut, and Virginia (14 states)

(I'm double-checking those facts with family, since I can't completely recall the routes of childhood road trips)

While I no longer have any delusions of hitting all 50 states by the time I'm 30, mostly because I have mere days to do so, I'd like to make sure I've at least spent one night in each state by the time I'm 50. I think that's fair.

Long term goals are fun, no?

Is Forever Enough?

I was reading in my room and I heard these words from a song coming from my roommate's computer...

"How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough?"

I had to get up and see what the song was. "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks (posted below).

It made me think of the love that a parent has for their child, that eternal sort of unconditional adoration and pride. It made me happy that I've had such a strong, supportive family unit my whole life. It made me want to have children and show them this kind of love.

It made me think of my three friends in Wisconsin who are all currently pregnant, one with her first child and two with their second children. I immediately felt that I wanted to be closer and more connected to the people in my life that I've shared so many moments with so that I can be sharing these big moments with them. Why am I so far away from so many of these people?

That's a lot of emotion to have been induced from one song...

I was surprised I've never heard it before; not that I listen to the Dixie Chicks or anything, but I love the lyrics.

"Lullaby"

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Rejection.

Last month, I graduated from my Masters program. It was three grueling years of reading, writing, attending class, and working for free. It felt amazing to walk across the stage wearing a cap, gown, hood, and honors ropes to accept my empty diploma case, knowing what I'd accomplished through the best and worst of times in my personal life. To me, this achievement was a much-needed celebration of the payoffs of hard work and perseverance. Earlier this month, my degree was confirmed and I was able to mail my application for my Wisconsin license. I didn't realize I had the wrong kind of fingerprint clearance card for Arizona, so there's a minor setback with my license here; I must wait for them to scour my criminal background to find that I have none...again...and then send me a different plastic card for me to prove as much to future employers. AND I got to pay for that privilege, making my Arizona license twice as expensive as I'd planned. I recognize, however, that this is not the end of the world and I patiently wait.

During the course of my internship, it seemed as though I would be able to take over my counseling supervisor's position when she moved across the country at the end of the school year. The teachers, students, and administrators at the school all assumed that it would happen. Budget cuts and changes in the district prevented this from happening; the district is not only cutting her position, but cutting the position of another counselor in the district who had not planned to leave her post. I've applied for no less than two dozen jobs in the past month in three states. I've received rejection emails from districts in Wisconsin for which I had not even interviewed. I've been chosen for two phone interviews (Wisconsin) and two in-person interviews (Arizona). I was rejected from two of these positions a few weeks ago. Yesterday, I received another rejection phone call as well as a letter from a district in Wisconsin yesterday, simply stating that I passed the preliminary interview and will be considered for two open positions in their district with no further information. Basically, it sounds as though my application for this district has been moved from one pile to another. At least it hasn't been shredded.

Rejection is challenging to accept, but I try to look at each one as a learning experience. I've emailed those who interviewed me or asked the person calling to reject me if there is anything I could do to improve on my next interview. I've received great feedback and have taken it to heart...but yesterday's rejection was different. I was called personally by one of the people present in the interview, and she had no feedback to offer. She basically stated that she thought I would be perfect for the position and wished she had two open positions so she could hire me. She said that in any other hiring year I would have been chosen, but this particular year someone else came in, essentially, with a better resume. While it's flattering, in a way, there is nothing I can do with this information. I can't do anything about my lack of experience unless someone hires me.

Bonnaroo

Jamie and I bought tickets to Bonnaroo's 10th anniversary festival last fall, right around the time when everything between us was falling apart. We also bought a brand new flat screen TV...perhaps we thought having things and spending money was going to either save us or distract us from our problems. Regardless, as I am typing a blog entry right now, it's probably easy to guess who got the tickets in the divorce (the same one who got the TV as well...)

It's admittedly difficult knowing that he's there, right now, without me. Bonnaroo was special to us and one of the few locations where we've traveled together that is loaded with only positive memories. I'm streaming the music, as I did during Coachella, but there's no comparison to actually being there and experiencing music in that venue. Dirty, sweaty, hot, surrounded by a sea of other dirty, sweaty, and hot people...but that's the beauty of Bonnaroo. It's not about you or the way you look (or smell for that matter), it's about the music and the community. Unless you want to wait in line somewhere instead of enjoying the festival, your cell phone will die and you will not shower. You're not on the computer or connected to the outside world, you're immersed in the present and in the music and in the company you keep.

March was difficult for me as well; every day I was supposed to have been waking up in Hawaii, on a second honeymoon with my husband, I had a difficult time getting out of bed, alone, in Phoenix. However, this weekend is the last weekend I will allow myself to mourn the loss of our mutual plans because this weekend was the last of the plans we'd made together.

I went to the old house today, safe in the knowledge that he's in Tennessee. It didn't feel like my home. I found a few things I'd left and wandered the mostly-empty rooms, wondering what had happened to my life as I have so many times in the past six months. If I'm honest with myself, I started wondering what I had gotten myself into less than a week after my wedding day, but that's another story entirely.

So here's to you, Jamie. I truly hope you enjoy every moment of Bonnaroo, and that you are able to think back on our 'Roos together and smile.

Six Months

Saturday marks six months since The Split. Most days, I feel pretty okay with myself, where I'm at, who I am, where I'm going with life...

Today is one of those days. In spite of the fact that Jamie will be attending Bonnaroo's 10-year-anniversary festival this weekend and I will NOT be, even with recent financial and job hunting setbacks...I feel pretty good. It's not much, but I do have income. It's not a great place, but I do have an apartment and fabulous roommates. I've not received a job offer yet, but I'm occasionally being selected for interviews. I'm no longer married, I will soon no longer be a homeowner...but I didn't have the marriage I wanted and I never wanted to buy the house. I feel like I have a good perspective.

Also, I'm seeing someone. Yes, I know it's probably too soon. Yes, I know I should get to the point where I'm all the way OK before I expose all my neuroses to someone else...but I know that being with him has made a tremendous positive impact in my life and current state of mind. Before we had "the conversation" about whether or not we should take our friendship to the next level, he had been my friend, my rock, my confidant, the person I could go to when I had no one else. I literally cried on his shoulder several times. In him, I have the companionship I was missing. I have someone who not only is interested in my daily accomplishments and failures, but is encouraging and supportive. I feel safe. I feel wanted and appreciated. I feel free to pursue my own activities and interests without ridicule, and often with his participation. He came to yoga with me! He was (and wanted to be) my date for my counseling supervisor's wedding! So things are looking up for me; no matter where life is taking me, I'm getting my confidence back.