Onward

When I worked at One Step Beyond, there was one particular employee whom I admired. If given the occasion, she and I could talk for hours about any number of topics, she could make me laugh or teach me something new, and she always signed her emails "Onward" instead of "Sincerely" or something of the like.

It's not a stretch to say that this year has knocked me down, almost broken me, and left me with little to show for myself other than a Masters degree which is proving useless for actual employment opportunities. But I pride myself on my stubborn independence, and I've managed to keep myself afloat financially and emotionally even if I'm frequently hovering precariously, dangerously, recklessly just below the surface most of the time.

If you know me personally, which I assume any current readers of this blog must be given the very personal nature of the most recent posts, you know that I'm sentimental. I don't have a poker face and I cry extremely easily. In the words of my dear friend, Megahn, I "run a little intense." It's a blessing and a curse. When I have an idea, I run with it.  I attach emotion to people, places, things, and songs. When I'm happy, I'm contagiously ecstatic. When I'm sad, even acquaintances pick up on it almost immediately. When I'm lost in thought, my eyes give me away. When I'm hurting, it's raw.

There are countless places in Appleton, Wisconsin that remind me of my first love. Happily, we are still friendly and so while we are no longer in love, being in or near these places makes me smile. Much like Appleton is filled with memories, Alaska is full of places that remind me of my ex husband for both positive and negative reasons; we had one truly amazing, life-changing summer followed by an exceedingly rocky one. Either way, we met there. It's ours, and whenever I return I know I will be flooded with memories of love, adventure, and heartbreak. I wanted to return this summer, but chose to focus on what has become a challenging job search. He was just there. He was just there, with her.  My replacement, a teacher in his district. I've known for a short while that he was seeing someone, and now I have the misfortune of putting a name and a face to this mystery woman. Elena. While I don't know how long it's been going on or how serious it is, he took her to Alaska. Denali. The thought of them cuddled up in our tent and using gear we chose and bought together with wedding giftcards...of him taking her to places we discovered together...of him introducing her to those who used to be our mutual friends, camping & hiking & drinking with those very people who thought it appropriate to choose sides when both of us needed their love & support...in Alaska. While I'm here, barely holding on.

I am happy that Jamie is moving on. I am. Ok, I'm lying. I'm a terrible liar. But I honestly can say that I want him to be happy, and I understand that moving on is part of that. Hell, I've moved on and I'm happier for it. But I didn't take the chef to our old neighorhood in Lakewood, Ohio or to where Jamie and I lived in north Lake Tahoe. Certainly it would be a while before I could take him to the memory graveyard that is Denali. But then again, Jamie was never as sentimental as me. And certainly has a way of acting without regard to how his actions cause anyone else, especially me, to feel. He just gets to impress his new girlfriend and help our former mutual friends forget that he ever asked me out (at the curve in the hill between employee housing and the Chalet's main lobby building).

So now that such a small event as inadvertently and unfortunately seeing a picture has completely flattened me, I struggle to move Onward. Partially because I don't know where I'm going, nor do I really have a full understanding of how I got here. But I'm alive, and the sun keeps rising. There's no way to go back, and I don't want to. So there's no where else to go.

Onward,

Eve

Counting My Blessings

Tomorrow is the last day that I will be in my twenties; Tuesday is my 30th birthday. In this, my 29th year, I've experienced an abundance of massive change, heartbreak, discouragement, abandonment, rejection, death, and general turmoil. I've also reached deep within myself and truly learned what strength and resilience resides inside of me and was able to find a few small sprinklings of love, hope, and accomplishment. Not knowing what lies ahead in my 30th year and beyond, I decided today to shift my focus from where I *thought* I'd be by 30 and take a moment to focus on the present, on what makes me smile on this particular morning as I sit behind the desk of an air-conditioned yoga studio and gaze at the bright sunshiney day outside the window. I came up with a concise list of six blessings for which I am entirely grateful in this moment.

One: Family. Adversity either tears people apart or brings them together; I'm pleased to say that despite being separated by thousands of miles, I feel closer to my immediate family now than I have in years.

Two: My current home. Thanks entirely to Teenypoo, I have an affordable place to live with fun roommates who share a number of similar interests and are good people in general.

Three: Romance. My boyfriend, the chef, provides me with amazing food, but also happens to be caring, attentive, thoughtful, supportive, intelligent, and adorable. And old, so I always get to feel young. ;)

Four: Friendship. I can't say enough about the people who have stood by me through everything. In addition to my family, the roommies, & the chef,  I'd like to give special props to Mama P-B & Freddy, J.Sweet, JoJo & family, B-Rad, Cutie-pie A.M., no Moore, ScriptPhD, Scuba & his wifey, Noah's mom, the Princess Bride, and a certain Ganesha fan & her hubby (pseudonyms used more for my own amusement than identity protection).

Five: Balance and strength. I've worked to return balance and strength to my body & mind with unlimited yoga at Blissful Yoga Studio. Even though my shoulders are sore today from yesterday's extended Ashtanga class and I recently fainted at a Kirtan, I feel grateful and blessed for not only the physical and mental effects of my practice, but the beautiful instructors and practitioners I've been honored to meet.

Six: Music. Or more specifically, reconnecting with my love of music. I remember having a conversation with the ex immediately after the loss of my grandfather about how I felt disconnected to music, and he didn't understand what I was talking about or what I meant...and he was dismissive, perhaps because I didn't have the language to describe what I felt. I was discouraged by the conversation and also became dismissive of my disconnection. This feeling wasn't easily buried, however. Although I missed out on the big music festivals this year, I've taken more opportunities to experience live music in different settings and generally connecting myself to music...which is hard to explain, but I will try. I've challenged myself to not only explore new types of music and new/different/forgotten artists but also to connect myself with the music as more than a passive listener. I've done this by practicing yoga to live music both at the studio and at the chef's house (he's also a talented musician), and learning mantras to chant/sing (although I fear I have much, much more to learn). I've gone so far as to create new melody lines for chants/mantras that resonate with me, and sing them to myself in my car or empty apartment when the mood strikes. I connect emotion with song, listen to/sing/post on Facebook songs that contain or evoke the emotion I'm experiencing. I listen more deeply. I sing more.

There's a Room Full of People in My Head

I woke up from a dream this morning that has left me feeling unsettled all morning...

It began as I was hastily preparing, poorly, for a last-minute backpacking trip I'd been roped into taking with a (former) regular backpacking buddy of mine, his wife, and a few other characters. I remember having very little time to pack, and him saying that I didn't need to worry about bringing food or a tent, because they were taking care of all that. I hastily shoved clothes and a few snacks into my pack and ran out to meet them.

I remember being at the meeting point and seeing all the gear everyone else had brought and feeling SO inadequate. I brought my concerns to the alpha-male-type friend who had convinced me to go, and he pretty much laughed them off. "But I forgot my THERMAREST! I'll never be able to sleep!" I said to him, almost begging to be let out of my committment and to take me home. He just shrugged it off and said he'd rig something up for me, that he would make sure I was comfortable and would take care of everything. I remember feeling ashamed that I hadn't taken care of my own needs, and was not in a position to do so. I hated having to just trust that he would take care of everything...but somehow I trusted him to do so and no longer worried.

At this point in the dream, I ran into someone else whom I have not seen since last July. He was also preparing for a backpacking trip, but was not going with my group. We got to talking about lives and getting into some serious conversation, and I was surprised that he was so sympathetic to my situation. At this point, I looked up and I realized my group had left without me! All my food, my tent, my gear was with them! I had trusted them to take care of me and I was completely unprepared to do this trip alone. I tried to run after them, and the friend with whom I had been talking was frantic as well. I found myself wondering if he was frantic to help me because he didn't want to be saddled with having to take care of me or if he really wanted to help. I ran into another friend at this point that I actually keep in touch with all the time in real life and adore, but he was already too far behind his group to stop and help me; he had catching up of his own to do. I ran out the back door of the lodge where we had all been doing our last minute preparations and was shouting out to random strangers hoping that one of them would someone magically be someone I knew.

I was about to give up and sleep in the lodge until they returned from the trip or something when I saw them, my entire group, packed into a running conversion van. Waiting, but also seemingly surprised that I wasn't already in the van.

I realized suddenly that all the snacks I'd brought were stale, that I'd had them in my pack since Korea, and threw them all away before getting into the van.

Sidenotes: this haphazard, thrown together trip is NOT the way I would ever attempt backpacking, and would never agree to such a last-minute adventure.

The majority of the people in my dream are people with whom I've been friends for years, but no longer wish to keep in touch, in paticular the main alpha-male character whom I relied upon and trusted implicitly in this dream.

Also, there's no way I would still have stale snacks from Korea....gross! I've used my pack many times since returning, often with the group I dreamt about.