Losing Track

In my former, married life I was extremely health conscious. I cooked healthy meals almost every night, packed lunches for work, hiked often, took yoga classes, went to the gym occasionally, took evening walks, and read labels to avoid high fructose corn syrup. My only real vice was alcohol. I was still made to feel bad about my appearance by my partner, who would make comments that I assume were meant to inspire me to continue my efforts but really cut me deep every time. I became ashamed of my little belly (that pretty much all non-model women have) and wore clothes specifically cut to cover it up...not always easy in Phoenix. I even chose a wedding dress that was cinched at the ribs and flared out in order to not worry about my belly on that important day.

In this relationship that I'm in...I eat chef-prepared, high-fat foods regularly and eat fresh fruits & vegetables less regularly. I was going to yoga quite a bit but then fell off the wagon when the puppy arrived. I do take walks with him, though, almost daily. I still drink more than I should. I weigh about the same...ok, a little more...OK, probably at least 10 pounds more...but I'm made to feel beautiful every day. I worry about my health, but not my body. It's easier to hide my belly fat in cold Wisconsin, but I worry far less about it and buy clothes that I like instead of clothes to conceal flaws. My mom noticed upon meeting the chef that he says "Hello, Beautiful" every time he sees me. I got a bad haircut and he tells me what he likes about it. At first (and still sometimes when I'm having a bad day) I didn't know how to take his constantly complimentary comments, but at least I know that no matter what I feel about myself, I'm not being negatively appraised by the person who sees me every day. And that's a good feeling. It's not all about the chef's opinion, though. My reconnection with yoga last year taught me self-acceptance and personal strength before the chef's opinion was an influence on my psyche. Nonetheless, it's refreshing and the way it should be. I'm not saying I shouldn't be health conscious, and I am making an effort to incorporate more fresh fruits and veggies and exercise in my life.

I don't know if I'll ever fully forget or stop comparing my former life to my current one. I do it far less frequently as the months go by. I hope that one day I will be able to just be happy without remembering a time when I was far less so.

Documentary Day

Today, and the last few days, I've felt sort of isolated in my new life. I've come to realize that while I love my job and coworkers and dog and boyfriend and surroundings in Wisconsin, I've yet to really build a social network. I starting building one with weekly live trivia and yoga classes, but those things have been temporarily abandoned while raising a puppy into a dog. When he's older, I'll have more flexibility in my schedule but in the meantime, he needs supervision, training, and love.

I wanted to do something social last night but I was exhausted. I wanted to do something social today, but my boyfriend is working, and my two local friends whose personal phone numbers I possess are not local today. Hmmm. What to do? What better way to spend a solitary day than learning some new things? I decided to watch some documentaries. Especially since I live with someone who enjoys the occasional documentary but strongly prefers a good comedy, it's an appealing way to spend a day.

My friend B-Rad hooked us up with streaming Netflix from his account, which provides access to quite a bit of television shows & movies on his dime, including a section of documentaries. B-Rad's pretty great.

I poured some Bailey's into my coffee, and chose a film at random based on the striking cover art of Dear Zachary. I don't know where to begin explaining this film. Without giving too much away (it's worth a watch), a good man was murdered by a crazy lady. His friend, a filmmaker, embarks on an epic journey to capture memories of this man on film. It is discovered that the man's girlfriend is pregnant with his child and the film takes on a new meaning: preserving memories of the man for his son, who is without his father. The true stars of this film are the man's parents, who fight for the right to visit and take care of their grandchild. They are now advocates to reform laws about prisoners released on bail. It's fascinating, and they are amazing people who have suffered a great deal but worked hard to be productive with their grief.

It's been snowing for three days. It's the fairytale type of snow; big flakes that float every which way through the air before accumulating like piles of glitter on the ground, drifting alongside cars and buildings. I decided to take my snow dog for a long walk by the Sandburg Woods, adjacent to where I live. I hoped this would wear him out and we could snuggle and watch the next documentary. No such luck, he's still awake even though this is his normal time to be crated.

The next movie I chose, hoping for a lighter topic. I remember the movie "The Horse Whisperer," and thought it might be interesting to see how the real man worked. Turns out most of his best methods for teaching difficult, fearful horses came from his own experiences as an abused child. Sheesh.

I haven't started it yet, but my next film of choice will be Waiting for Superman, a documentary about education. I'm certain this won't be a lighthearted film either. But I've been wanting to see it since it first arrived in theaters and now that it's on Netflix, I can't wait.

Interns

Vangie was my Counselor supervisor during my internship...and she was (is!) AMAZING. She's not only an excellent, creative, brilliant counselor...but she's become a good friend. I was going through my divorce during my internship, so sometimes I was in need of guidance more than the students. Vangie was always there for whatever I needed at the time, all the while blissfully planning her own wedding.

We're real friends, facebook friends, and everything between. We both moved across the country from Phoenix (to different states) after our year together, but we keep in touch. I call her for counseling advice, or to share a great resource that I found or created. I called her today, to talk counseling and to see how the move is treating her. She's doing great, I'm doing great, and we were able to laugh and reminisce. We talked shop; about how sad it is that the district we came from doesn't have technology such as SMART boards and positive behavior supports for the students...lessons we love and programs we used together...

I am lucky to have landed, for now, within a school that I adore. I'm saddened to know that my one-year contract is half over. All I can do is hope that there will be a place for me somewhere next year, and that I will be able to continue learning and growing and moving onward.

The ex told me once that he is who his cooperating teacher was...that everything practical, he learned from his internship (student teaching). I don't believe that I AM Vangie, or even that our styles are very similar, but I learned an amazing amount from her. And the best part is that I don't have to stop learning from her. 

Stuff said at work

"Thank you, Ms. Em, for helping me make the right choices." -4th grade boy

"Ms. Em, why is your hair so messy?" -1st grade girl

A conversation with 1st grade boys:
"Ms. Em, how old are you?"
"Guess!"
"16"
"No, then she wouldn't even BE here"
"Ok, 48!"
"No way, my dad's 34. She's younger than my dad"
"28?"
"Nope, I'm older than 28."
"27."
"OLDER"
"Oh...29"
"Close..."
(all four boys guess correctly at once) "30!!!"

Conversation with a coworker:
"Do you think he's 'the one'?" (in reference to my boyfriend)
"Well, technically, there already has been 'the one'. We're both divorced so that changes things."
(after choking on her lunch) "Divorced? How old ARE you?"
"30"
"NO WAY! You don't look over 24."