Year in Review

As 2012 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on how happy I am with my life at this very moment and how much joy this year has brought.

2011 was a year of heartbreak, transition, and transformation. My divorce was finalized, I lost my house in Arizona to foreclosure, I graduated with my Masters, Megahn & Brad & I spent some time together in California (which was a well-needed change of scenery), I left One Step Beyond, I kicked up my yoga practice and immersed myself in the yoga community, I was repeatedly told I was the second choice applicant for counseling jobs, I finally landed a long-term substitute position in Wisconsin and needed to move across the country in a week (forcing a new boyfriend to make a choice), I bought my first new car, I adopted my first puppy, my best friend had her first baby (and I'm local now so I get to watch her grow up--not on Facebook!), and I started over.

This year, I got engaged, Chris and I went to New York (his first time!) and we were able to celebrate the newly-legalized marriage of dear family friends, I got the first School Counseling job for which I interviewed and went into the summer knowing I had a job for fall, I returned to Arizona to perform a marriage ceremony for two close friends (Minister Chasco!), my family of three moved to a lovely condo with no immediate plans to move again (next stop, house!), we hosted Thanksgiving for my parents & Grandma, I finally got my name change 100% taken care of after nearly two years of ridiculousness (just in time to change it again?!), and I ended 2012 with two consecutive snow days which unexpectedly brought Christmas break two days early! It's been a great year for Chris, too. He got a job at a country club just in time for free golf all summer (and free pool access for me), and then transitioned to the well-reputed Food Fight restaurant group with a significant raise and bright future prospects. He's (we're) also going to be in Kansas for Christmas with both of his sisters and their families for the first time in many years.

While I'll never forget the elementary school massacre that rocked the country a week ago (a dark stain on the bright & beautiful year I've had), it helped me to be grateful for my blessings, and the beautiful students with whom I work every day. It strengthened my resolve to implement necessary changes to my counseling program to make it more effective.

I welcome 2013 with open arms, knowing that I am in a good place to accept and appreciate my blessings, and also to weather any challenges. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Team Schwiggins

I'm really quite proud of this project, and this wedding. Congrats to my dear, dear friends!

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Shutterfly photo books offer a wide range of artful designs and embellishments to choose from.

Say yes to the dress!

Before the new school year started, I went wedding dress shopping with my dear friend, Michelle. I didn't expect to find anything and didn't love anything I tried on at two different shops. I wasn't a typical bride-to-be in that I dreaded dress shopping and didn't have a clear idea about what I wanted.

Enter Vera. This sweet lady founded a local dress shop in the 60s and happened to be in the shop while I was unsuccessfully seeking the perfect dress. She told me about her old flagship shop, which had been transformed into a clearance center, housing vintage, samples, and discontinued dresses. She made an appointment for me to see her seamstress that day, and off we went. Michelle and I were like kids in a candy store! The shop was closed except for us. We took over the place, pulling dresses from all the rooms and finding unique gems and laughable styles. I found my dress there, and as I stood before the mirror, agonizing about the decision, Vera appeared. She had driven to Janesville to see how I was faring.

The dress was, as you can imagine for a vintage gown, too tight. It wasn't in perfect condition, nor was it new. It did, however, encompass everything I was looking for in a dress, everything that I wasn't finding in the rows and rows of strapless, bright white princess dresses.

To Vera's and my delight, I bought the dress. I hid it in the closet, warned Chris not to look, and decided to get it altered after the holidays.

Today, I decided to visit my gown. I was surprised when I pulled it out of the closet that it is so heavy. I'd forgotten how well made it is. I tried it on and was shocked that after two months of increasing yoga, decreasing beer, and eating healthier in general...the dress almost fits as is! I could zip it up to about a quarter of an inch shy of the end of the zipper! If this keeps up, I'll need the dress taken in instead of let out! What a good feeling, to love my dress more than the day I brought it home, and to fit in it better as well!

You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important

Last year was my first job as a counselor; I had the fortune or misfortune of landing a one-year, long-term substitute position. It was fortunate because I could spend a year making mistakes and learning on the fly and then move on, able to take what I've learned into a new position with a fresh set of colleagues. It was decidedly unfortunate because while I arrived with an amazing amount of energy and fresh ideas, I was treated as a substitute. My ideas were initially listened to, and then suddenly less important than existing staff's ideas. I began to shrink in my role. I began to keep my ideas to myself. I stopped fighting to implement ideas that would benefit students, but cause headaches for me. I cared less about being punctual for work and dressing professionally. I stopped working through lunch. I stopped researching new and innovative ideas and stuck to the meager lessons and materials with which I'd already become familiar. I checked Facebook at work (gasp!). Why did this happen? I was still dedicated to the students and loved my face time with them in just about any capacity. I still got a rush when I could tell that I'd helped someone or when I got positive feedback from a colleague. So why? In retrospect, I believe it was because I didn't feel valued.

A similar situation in my not-too-distant past comes to mind. I was hired to work with adults with disabilities, teaching job skills and coordinating the vocational program at a local non-profit. I took the job at a pay cut from my previous position with a completely different non-profit, but arrived with much energy and enthusiasm. I was quickly appreciated, recognized, and rewarded for my efforts. I loved my work there and threw myself into it willingly. For a year or so, I found myself digging deeper, working harder, and loving just about every aspect of my job. After about a year, the "big boss" announced she was leaving. (Sidenote: I'd later learn that what was about to happen to me had already happened to her but worse; she was micromanaged into a corner and chose to bow out gracefully.) The founder returned to power and slowly began to rule like a dictator...keeping staff in the dark, making decisions without input or regard to labor laws, creating elaborate "tests" for her underlings, making decisions based on bloodlines and relationships rather than qualifications, getting rid of people that challenged her, enlisting self-interested spies to text her about day to day goings-on rather than to actually appear at work and witness for herself...I could continue, but I'll stop. Instead of being appreciated and valued for my year of stellar service, I became a target. I was initially promoted and then just a few short months later, demoted to a position less than the one I'd been hired to do. Restructuring, not personal. That's what I was told; nepotism ran rampant and I didn't carry the correct family name. I wasn't valued or appreciated. I started choosing jeans and a company t-shirt every day instead of professional attire. I stopped taking work home. I started using more vacation time. I got a second job and started looking for a way out.

What have I learned from these situations? I guess, I need to feel appreciated and valued in order to put forth my best effort. My work performance is directly tied with my perception of worth. If that's true for me, is that true for everyone? Or do I need to learn to work my hardest and give my all to any work position, no matter who my boss is or what my colleagues think? Lucky for me, I don't need to find an answer to this question immediately. I love my boss and my colleagues. I find a great deal of appreciation and support. I am energized, I am ready. I am bringing my best ideas to the table. I am researching, I am taking on extra responsibilities...I'm alive. It feels great.

Humility

Getting a dog changes a lot of things, like having to rush home from work instead of meeting friends for happy hour, or choosing to sit home alone instead of being social so that the dog isn't alone all the time... But the biggest change I've noticed is a total lack of any shred of vanity. Just woke up, no bra, hair a mess, no coffee? Well, the dog needs to go out. He can't wait. Almost certainly, a neighbor will also be outside looking put together & completely awake. Had too much to drink & already in pajamas? The dog has to go out, and the same neighbor says hello. Wearing super cute shoes, just home from work? The dog will see a squirrel & run. Perhaps it's possible to stay upright? And nobody is attractive picking up dog poop with a plastic bag....

Chopped

I love to watch the show Chopped, and see what trained chefs can make from a basket of odd food items. It's fun to see what they come up with.

I started preparing healthy dinners for myself & Chris twice a week. Knowing the rent is due soon and our account is dwindling a little faster than usual due to the move, I decided to see what I could do with the meager offerings of our pantry in the post-move condo. I ended up with a delicious, healthy meal that only cost me an additional $1.29 for an avocado.

My parents had given us some tomatoes from their garden, we had a box of fettuccine, a full rack of spices, lime juice, and olive oil. I first thought to make a tomato sauce from my parents tomatoes, but then I had the idea to roast them first for more flavor. While they were roasting, I remembered that I'd been seeing avocado-based creamy pasta sauces on pinterest, so I thought I'd give that a go, with chunks of roasted tomatoes tossed right in the avocado sauce.

It was a success! I mashed the avocado, added olive oil, lime juice, & spices to taste and tossed this sauce with the noodles while they were hot. Then I tossed in the still-warm roasted tomatoes. It was colorful, flavorful, & creamy. Best of all, no heavy cream or butter!

Madtown

Last night I sat outside, lake side at the University of Wisconsin Union Terrace with some friends. Due to the unseasonably hot summer, it was only the second time I'd been at the Terrace this summer. It's one of my favorite summer spots, even though I never went to UW-Madison. This morning, I ventured to the Dane County farmers market, one of the largest, best, most fun shopping experiences. It's a giant market staged all the way around the capital building with local, fresh produce from the farmers themselves. I was struck, again, by how much I love Madison and my life here.

And now, a new job again...a new place to live, new neighbors, new friends to be made...it keeps getting better.

Worth 1,000 Words

Adele's rolling in the deep played as I inadvertently stumbled across my old wedding album which I has been unable to throw away when I packed to move back to my home state. Adele croons about how he had my heart & soul in his hands as I wordlessly plucked photos of my family without him from the pages. I didn't cry. I didn't even feel like crying. I started wondering what his family is up to these days, how my former mother-in-law is faring (the big D-word cannot take my love for her away). Adele starts the verse that always made me sob in those dark, post-divorce days. I don't flinch but consider mailing a photo to Margaret of her boys. I opt not to because Jamie ransacked the photo album before turning it over to me, so he must not have wanted that one. I notice those empty spaces and try to remember which photo I had placed there originally, back when I was hopeful that marriage would change things for us. Adele crescendos, and I push the once-beautiful album to the discard pile, clinging to a few lovely photos with my sister, my parents, myself in an over-sized oyster shell meant for kids. The next song starts and I return to my task at hand, organizing my professional resources I'd stored in the closet of the room that was to be my bedroom when I moved here. It is now a guest room, and I share a bigger closet with a completely different soul, who won't wear a fake smile in our wedding photos, who doesn't insist on a guest list of 6. What a different experience this will be! What a great and different life I can look forward to, the life I live right now.

Another post about Sex and the City? What?

I swear I really don't believe that Sex and the city has ANYTHING to do with anyone's reality. I promise. But I have been on summer break and have had a SATC marathon afternoon at least twice since school's been out. As always, most of the episodes are purely entertainment and ridiculousness and vanity and overt consumerism...but once in a while an episode, a character's plot (hello, Charlotte's divorce and feelings about her second marriage), or a line of dialogue rings true.

In the season I'm watching, Carrie muses that "having it all" means that you've got (and are happy with) a relationship, a place to live, and a career, and that you feel out of balance when one of those isn't there or isn't right. True to the show's ridiculous nature, she didn't have it all because she didn't have a man. It's time, however, for me to have it all (whatever that really means). Personally, I'd expand Carrie's definition to include a social life, healthy hobbies, and a support system. Even with those added factors, I have it all.

I was offered an exciting job in my field that isn't temporary this time. I am getting married next year. I have just found, after weeks of frustrating fruitless searching, a place that will be a comfortable home until we're able to buy a house. I've got some great friends here in Madison and elsewhere, I am on the verge of belonging to a fabulous yoga studio in Madison, and I can't get over how supportive and helpful my friends are ALL THE TIME.

And I'm feeling pretty grateful.

My bad!

It's not the dog's fault when he eats a pair of my favorite shoes; it's mine. I kicked them off after a hard day at work, didn't put them away, and left them unattended with a 7-month-old puppy roaming free. I know this. I also know, when he destroys things, that it's all just stuff. The joy that having little Loki has brought into my life is totally worth losing a few pairs of shoes and the edges of a few blankets. After all, he's the same monster that has been chewing on objects as strange as a metal decorative dog since he was 6 weeks old and barely had teeth. He's a strange little beast, but a bundle of love. When I was sick with a fever this week, I came home in the middle of the day to sleep. At first, Loki wasn't all about the whole sleeping thing when I let him out of his crate, but soon he realized that something was not quite right. He jumped on the bed and laid by my feet for quite a while. This is the dog who, for some odd reason, despises being on the bed (unless he's taken a wild leap to wake the sleeping occupant). He knew something was up and acted accordingly. I love him for that.

This week, by the way, was insanely crazy. I had a random fever on Wednesday, lost my phone on Thursday, and then the coffee machine broke on Friday morning!! It was crazy at work too, with lots of kids all "popping" at the same time. It definitely made the days go by quickly. I found out today that tonight will be the biggest, closest full moon of the year. I frequently joke with my coworkers when a day is crazy that it must be the full moon...perhaps, this week, I was right.

Encore

I'm getting married. Again. And in rather me-like fashion, I've taken something beautiful and made it into something to freak out about and obsess over.

For the first time in years, I'm really happy. I love my puppy, I love living in Madison, I am happy with my new career choice, I'm with a man who is better to me that I probably deserve and more thoughtful than I could ever reciprocate. I have made no secret of wanting a family and can see my future rolling out in front of me, just as I've always wanted.

So why, then, is this uncomfortable? Is it because it's not my first marriage? Is it because I'm afraid of repeating mistakes? Is it that I'm worried what other people think? I'm not sure.

With all that's up in the air in my life...my job, my wedding plans, his job...it's no wonder that I'm feeling unsettled. But I don't know what will re-settle things. I guess, time. Sigh. I'm SO IMPATIENT when it comes to waiting.

Spring?

On Friday, we had a blizzard. About 6 inches of snow accumulated in about 3 hours, covering all the muddy, half-melted, dirty snow piles on the edges of lawns and sidewalks. Fresh, wet, heavy snow clings to the tree branches and sat so heavy on my windshield that my wipers wouldn't budge. I love it. It's gorgeous. My dog loves it more. My little white snow dog loves to plow through the snow, licking it, flicking it up in the air, chasing snowballs....whatever! It's snowing again on this lazy Sunday afternoon; the slow, thick flakes that seem to linger in the air before settling on the ground. Again, I love it! But it's so hard to think about going anywhere when I'm content to just watch the beauty from the comfort of my warm apartment through the patio doors. It makes me wish I had a fireplace.

It's odd to me that my remaining friends in Arizona are posting photos at Cactus League spring training games. Just last year (and the three previous), I'd be out there as often as possible, soaking up the sun and drinking beer on the lawn at one of the many ball parks in the Phoenix area. This year, I'm pale and weigh about 5 pounds more, enough to be sure that any snug summer tops won't fit properly. I miss the subtle tan that I was able to achieve in the springtime in Phoenix, but I'm glad to trade it for this weekend's snowfalls.

Day 100

Today was the 100th day of school. The kindergarten classes sang "Happy 100 Day" at the morning school meeting (ADORABLE), and I had a counseling intern shadow my morning. She got an eyeful as an out of control student derailed my entire morning schedule, and she was only able to observe one of the four classroom guidance lessons she had planned to observe. I had an exhausting day, part of an exhausting week. Work has been a little more challenging than usual since...well, we returned from winter break in early January. I still love what I'm doing, I'm sure I'm in the right field, but I could use a break. A warm bubble bath. A mental health day. A cocktail. A bottle of wine. More yoga.

I know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do, and I have some support at work. I also know that I'm reaching kids and it's the successes that get me through.

A student struggling with anger issues showed up at my office, asking for help. We came up with a plan and when I checked in with him a few days later, things weren't perfect...but he was on the right track. And he felt better about himself.

Another student showed up to school crying. He spent all morning talking in my office. We came up with a plan and he went back to class. The next day, I stopped him in the hall to ask how the plan went and he said it went very well, big smile on his face. Another student in his class overheard and said, "Now I know why you better so fast yesterday!" He put his arm around his friend and they went into class together.

A different student asked me if she could move into my house. That one stung a little...no matter how sweet it was that she feels so safe with me, I hate that she is so sad in her own home.

I have a first grader beg to have lunch with me every week, even though I often am unable to fit him in and sometimes cancel at the very last minute.